After seeing countless headlines about cyberattacks, ransomware, viruses, data breaches and other computer- and phone-hacking horror stories, I became increasingly wary of every link I clicked. Every Spam Risk notification call I immediately answered. Every Post-it note password sheet I stuck to my monitor. And, basically, every suspicious, unsolicited email sent to me that I opened (the consensus is I should “enhance my performance”).
Luckily, my online angst was short-lived due to a growing number of concerned strangers alerting me via a frenzy of emails how each one had activated an auto-renewal function linking Norton to my bank account with the noble mission of protecting my computer from cybergoons.
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That I was not even a Norton customer showed how much they truly cared. That they chose to not disturb me with such trivial matters as requesting my bank account number said a lot about their customer care philosophy.
That they had apparently accessed my bank account without my assistance told me they were top-notch cybersleuths. I took comfort in knowing I could benefit from their cloak of invisibility.
Finally, someone to trust during these distrusting times. In appreciation, I pondered replies to my protectors. Providing positive feedback is necessary to any important relationship. What more can I say? Mama didn’t raise no cyber fool.
Dear Liam Thomas: Thank you so much for your 6-16-21 email letting me know that my Norton subscription has successfully been renewed and updated via the auto-renewal amount of 599.49 USD. It’s a relief knowing that someone like you is concerned enough about a total stranger like me to provide protection from the cybercriminal element. This favorable customer service experience has inspired me to repeatedly play Ella Fitzgerald’s “Someone To Watch Over Me” on Spotify — but I suspect you already know this. God bless.
Dear Himelton Holton: Thank you so much for your 6-11-21 email letting me know that my Norton subscription has been successfully renewed and updated via the auto-renewal amount of 252.52 USD. It’s a relief knowing that someone like you is concerned enough about a stranger like me to provide protection from the cybercriminal element. Tell Liam Thomas I said hello. I’m sure you see each other in the Norton coffee bar. Your auto-charge of $252.52 is a good deal, especially knowing Liam charged $599.49 for the same service.
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Dear Dip Avi: Thank you so much for your 6-10-21 email letting me know that my Norton subscription has been successfully renewed and updated via the auto-renewal amount of 298.98 USD. It’s a comfort knowing someone like you is concerned enough about a total stranger like me to provide protection from the cybercriminal element. Your $298.98 charge falls between Himelton Holton’s $252.52 and Liam Thomas’ $599.49. It is a fair offer. Despite the escalating costs I am facing for your cybersecurity services, I consider the current “triple wall of protection” provided by you, Liam and Himelton to be, in the long run, nothing short of priceless.
Dear Sammy Dibble: Thank you so much for your 5-19-21 email letting me know that my Norton subscription has been successfully renewed and updated via the auto-renewal amount of 210.29 USD. The cheeky little way you misspelled “Hey” in your email’s salutation, “Hay Valuable customer,” made me laugh where normally I would groan. It’s as if you knew my reputation for being a spelling snob. Beware: My account that Norton is siphoning money from likely, at this point, lacks sufficient funds for added services. But don’t you worry, Sammy Dibble, after I send this email, I promise to dial the overseas phone number conveniently provided at the bottom of your email and share a second bank account number — plus my Social Security number, my mother’s maiden name, and my first pet’s name (Target) — as a good-faith measure to assure you that I’m not trying to scam Norton (not that that could be possible). Thank you for protecting me from the bad cyber seeds out there. Please tell Liam, Himelton, Dip, Jitrub, Cyndi, Hung, Anntonu and Porter Mcehorter, “hay” for me.
Contact Scott at email@example.com, especially if you, too, have cybersecurity products to offer.